Do you ever have one of those what the hell am I doing moments? I had one last night laid in bed whilst my OH did whatever he was doing downstairs and I pretended to be asleep because it was better to lay quietly rather than have to sit in some sort of awkward silence staring at whatever he has chosen to put on netflix to watch for the night. The kids were blissfully asleep and not even doing that stirring thing like I was about to get cuddly little bed invaders with me. Okay so my breathing was messed up as it always is at the minute but there I was all willing sleep to come to me and it sort of hit me. That what the hell are you doing with your life moment.
Is this who I am?
Is this what I want?
Is this it?
Can I deal with years of laying in bed pretending to be asleep so I don’t have to stare at a TV in awkward silence wondering what happened to my wants and likes and my life? What happened to me? I didn’t use to be like this. I was the one who did what I wanted when I wanted because I wanted to. When had I become someone who shut up to please someone else or because it was easier just to hide and pretend like I don’t care any more? Hell I’d tell any one of my friends not to accept it and to do something about it. I’d speak about setting examples for your kids and showing them that Mummy doesn’t put up with anything less than the best.
That phrase from Perks of being a Wallflower kept flaring round my mind:
And I deserve better than this. I deserve to be happy and cared for a loved and I can’t just sit around waiting for someone else to do it for me. I can’t just keep pretending it’s okay.
So I made a list and decided there and then that this list was what I was tackling within the next 365 days. Yes, by this time NEXT year these will no longer be problems but things I have either fixed or am well on the way to fixing. And this blog is going to document it all. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. Because I can’t be in this position next year wishing everything was different but not doing ANYTHING about it. Here you will find ME. Warts and all (I don’t have warts). Wish me luck! Wish me anything to be honest. Just CHANGE because I can’t keep on living this way.
- Fix my health as best I can because constant hospital admissions for severe brittle asthma that is described as life threatening is CRAP. Taking over 20 tablets a day plus several inhalers is CRAP. Find whatever improves it and DO IT.
- Lose a tonne of weight. Okay not an actual tonne but 6 stone which feels like a tonne. (That should help with Action Number 1 right?)
- Sort out my finances and stop being an ostrich who lets OH nag me constantly for buying ANYTHING for the children and take some personal responsibility, make him pay his share and keep our finances separate.
- Sort out my relationship with OH. No way can you buy a house with someone who doesn’t even LIKE you let alone care about you. *insert flashing lights around this point*.
- Get myself into a position where I CAN leave him and support the kids myself because I’ll be damned if I let him keep speaking to me (and them) in that way and making our home an unpleasant place to live.
- Surround myself with things that make me HAPPY and people who support me and love me for being me. Build new support systems that do not involve someone who has displayed that they really do not give a damn.
- Be a better example to my children who 10000% deserve the best and a Mum who is healthy enough to play with them and keep up!
- Keep on track of the housework in a systematic way (okay this one is bottom of my list but still: dust is one of my key asthma triggers so it might help).
Okay…365 days to do all of that. Not much right? Just everything. When you’re at the bottom the only way is up!